After reading this, I feel like you are someone I can relate to. Which is crazy because Ive never once told my mom how I feel about her hanging out with him. He even seen the new baby in the family, and rubbed it in my face that I would never see that child. christmas, divorce, his ex, insecure. A lot. Now, my two sisters, my mom, and I all live in the same town. Why would an ex want to drive a wedge between his ex and her own family? A true predator truly gets off on being ONE UP on their ex or another person. My case is not near as bad as the original poster. But guess what? My children were ALWAYS Gods children before they belonged with anyone and I know Hes never stopped protecting them- or me. Yes he can say hi, if he runs into them but that should be it. Is it just that they have fun together and like to joke around? Her family even shows the Signs a Family Member Doesn't Like You to you. I was married to my ex husband for 14 years when I found out he was having an affair with his secretary. I would open up to them and tell them how you feel and if they dont respect your feelings, you need to cut ties with them, and your ex. YOUR FAMILY ARE INCONSIDERATE PRICKS! The person we thought we knew as our son-in-law changed into an alcoholic, lying, manipulative, and narcissistic creep. Your family should respect you by limiting the things they do with him they do not even care about you at all those kids see that and wonder why is mom left out but mom was the one that had to go to bed with the prick, sounds to me like your sister might like him to much. You're also telling him that you don't fully trust him. Exactly. "name": "Do I need to be friends with ex for better co-parenting? My ex is invited to every family holiday and family reunion.If I refuse to go because of him its canceled or theyll have one without inviting me.I havent had a family to speak of for 25 yrs.We once were close but after I divorced him he stayed at their house complaining that I divorced him.Never mind the fact that he cheated on me repeatedly and treated me horrendous.I guess they like him more than me honestly.I spend every holiday alone while he spends his with them.We have no family photos that dont have him in them.Hes been married twice since our divorce but is single again.Im a widow. You need to let them know that it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable. So to say if you are in the rigth or in the wrong is next to impossible to say becuse well its only your words and its mostly about your emotional well bining. Their loyalty to him far extends any thought or consideration of me. Be overly friendly, in fact. Actually, when we got back together I found out they were going to my exes wedding, lol! This just isnt worth all the drama I am sorry but that is how i feel. Im flexible with my Exs needs and take good care of my daughter, who I have 50/50 time and custody decisions. Then he knelt down and apologized that my best-friend told a lie that I was cheating on him, He was advised to divorce me so they can get married. I can totally identify and have dealt with some hurtful crap, too! Reproduction in whole or in part without prior written permission is prohibited. If your ex doesn't want you to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. They do this even though they know it pains me. And how is that a suprise for his birthday? Parity! And that not your family leaving you. Oh and wait a minute, I have known this person since I was 11 years old. }, March 26, 2016 531 Comments Categories: Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Coping with Divorce, Inspirational Stories and AdviceTags: Children and Divorce, Co-Parenting after Divorce, Coping with Divorce, Divorce Recovery. The pain you are feeling now will be lessened with time. He talks crap about them behind their backs, continues to stalk me and try and ruin everything I do (even gets the secret gate code to where I live!) Who cares if he's loving with someone else an ex's child, of all people if he isn't expressing the same loving attitude to YOU, his girlfriend. I value these connections, as without them.. My kids would have no connection with their mothers side of the family.. or least parts of it. My son keeps a very casual relationship with him but has no respect for him now that he is older and sees him for what he is. I agree. Could it be he is a dosent person, and that the rest of your family is putting your childrens well being over yours? NOPE!! I feel a conversation of honesty from your point of view is necessary. They feel compassion for his ex and his mother still speaks to her often. I guess it depends how much you love her and how complicated you want your life to potentially be. If a guy is sad for a day, its not a big deal. After 5 years of no contact with my family, I reached out the olive branch to my Dad and we have been in contact for 4 months but he still talks about my ex, what he is up to etc. @Brandon and @Rena. I cant say anything because its about their Dad, and I cant talk about him in reference to anything he did to me or then back then. Every Saturday John joins 9Honey exclusively to answer your questions on love and relationships. Although not on holidays its separate. They basically helped him bankrupt me and my two teenage children! You cant make people comply your wishes. New York-based author and relationship and etiquette expert April Masini says to look out for communication styles that indicate a more intimate connection. I get bundles of dollars twice a week. They share custody but he has physical custody. Unbelievable. I try to get over it because its past. Do/did you ever spend time with them outside of hollydays. If I say anything, then all future visiting will be drained by that cloud of despise. I have asked him not to step on me, especially where I am not invited, but he wont give that because he was never capable of taking care of me when we were married, and wont now. I had a stroke and Im supposed to not have stress and this really gets me so angry. No, its not unreasonable to want your family to diminish ties with an ex. It was very hard to no that all my family turned against me and that he plays a big part in their life. His ex told me that is my family. You having to be in uncomfortable situations with your ex husband/wife is going to happen and your going to have to deal with it in one way or another. Im sure your not invited to things with his family. This happened to me but we did not have kids. She is married and has two children, neither are his. The turmoil that this brings is almost unbearable, how do we cut off our parents? He says that I am "nuts" and just need to get over it. Now nobody in my family speaks to me and my mother is threatening to evict me from the condo that Ive been renting from her. I shouldnt have to spend days we marked off as being my day with my children sharing them with him now. I too have had horrible family that scenerio you describe is similar to mine.one thing I would encourage you to rethink, you stated above that Hes a great Dad and Person..I too have for many years said, believed those words.but I sadly had to realize, those are lies I made to myself to try to keep peace with him.I will continue to keep peace with him for the kids, but.no person man or woman, participates in any gathering where their parent is deliberately excluded. I dont understand why hes still in their lives, they all know what I went through. they actually really pressure me not to say no and have re-arranged things I said I could not be at until I said yes. My older sister was smart and moved to another state to escape their long lived abuse . I havent spoken to my brother or parents in nearly 3 years. Gtfo with ur victim shaming. I call you cowardly, weak, and shameful because your actions and emotional maturity is like that of a toddler. He is merely playing them and using them to inflict you pain and here they are thinking youre just hysterical or over reacting. no matter what I said, they wouldnt listen. They can do that without dragging my brothers peace of mind through the sewer. Sounds like that what hes doing now. That is a form of abuse.to you, your children and anyone who participates are also abusive. You choose to bring this person to be part of the family, now he is, but that means that you cant just get rid of him, because guess what, he is family and that doesnt change because you dont like him enough anymore. Ive gotten him a waiver for services and Im teaching him to drive. I know that word is bandied about a lot these days , but how dare he continue to stay latched onto YOUR family like that ?? THAT plus all the years of covert abuse makes them most definitely unworthy and unacceptable company. He and My sister in Law were trying to Get back at me Truthfully it sounds like they are trying to hurt you. So I started talking to him about it and he said he doesnt want me to talk about her anymore. My ex-husband was extremely violent with both myself and our young children; a sexual predator- meaning he prefers homosexual relationships but needs to hide behind the window dressing of a heterosexual family. Simple. I feel sorry for your ex. It wouldnt go over well at all, but is that what it would take? I do not know. When I was married to my ex he always tried to start controversy with my dad and my dad wasnt crazy about him. How terrifying and awkward. My point is there is more than family that can be lost from bitter feelings, that can last a lifetime. The easy solution is don't show up when she'll be there, columnist Carolyn Hax says. Im afraid I dont really have much advice for you but I do think its a lot for you to go through and if youve been handling it up to now the way you have Good for you. It was difficult to loose my partner but he was abusive and I was concerned for my daughter because of things I caught him doing or not doing to her. I wouldnt have dreamed of honing in on my exes family. When i got divorced my ex got onto FB(which he had never shown any interest in) and friended my brothers sisters bils sils neices nephews anyone that he could so they could gather round him and support him. So suppose that he compares you to his ex, and he doesnt realize that hes hurting you? I understand fully of not being supported by family through divorce. Id be a liar to say it doesnt get under my skin. It is something that I can very much relate with! Its important that you and your ex are okay, first and foremost, before you can try and befriend his or her family." Demetria L. Lucas is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life and the upcoming Dont Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love. Its crazy. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, but his sister is still good friends with his ex. He text her and said she was more than welcome to come around and hed explain the reasons why! It took me a good few years to get my head around it and I still get pangs but I feel the anguish of making that decision was preferable to them seeing him as a victim and having to still be linked to my ex through trying to keep a relationship with them. Why why why would YOUR family think its ok to spend holidays (of all things) together! Such a slap in the face! Unfortunately the marriage just did not work. You are too deep in the mud to see the mud clearly. Just my two cents. Not his family. He knew my Mom and I had long term issues we had been working thru. All I see is a post. Would you like your family to? I am recently reunited with my high school sweetheart from 30 years ago and he says that things are headed toward marriage for us. Hi Lilia i completely agree. This article is a textbook definition of solipsism at its finest. Aside from her divorce, it is the most painful thing that has ever happened to her. Necessary functions or gatherings as welllike the kids birthdays, graduations and weddings and then the birth of grandchildren down the road! I remember as a small child going to that house for holidays, summer vacations and what not. He didnt even see or contact our girls for am entire year. I just wish the families would see how bad it hurts and do the right thing. Agreed. I believe she said she did talk to a professional and thats what the PROFESSIONAL labeled them. Would I actually have to go to such lengths? One of the first big holidays after my divorce was Thanksgiving. It never gets easier. You and your ex will both form relationships with new familes as you move on with your lives. The whole thing just felt so imbalanced because I gave him the space he needed and I needed and cut ties with his family. You could talk to your family about how you feel when your ex is there or keep a distance." If asked, she would say It doesnt bother me, do what you like. Whats with the lie? Family is suppose to stick together and should have tried to make her feel loved and supported, not like she was responsible for the consequences of an abuser. Because he can hang out with you and be there in person, but you can somehow feel that he is not there mentally. Family is first. I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. For anyone interested, there is an excellent public Facebook group called NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) Survivors. He never liked my mom and would complain about her constantly. Now my niece is getting married and she wants to take part in hosting the bridal shower and be at the wedding. Its your family who need to see a psychologist! Tim Veninga is a dating coach, relationship coach and social psychology bestseller author from the Netherlands. I live with hes mom and I dont know what to do, So the guy Ive been with weve been together on and off for about seven years and it didnt start so well I was separated from my husband and he was separated from his wife and well we moved a little bit too quickly and things got complicated and we had a kid and I was still going through a divorce he was already divorced at that moment but the drugs got in the way and I couldnt do it anymore when I found out I was pregnant I love them I moved to a different state with my family he wanted me to come back and did I mention he tried to go back to his ex-wife who he was with for 26 years and she didnt want them she was moving to be with somebody else shes now married and weve tried to make it work but their relationship their friendship has always been in the way of us progressing for my insecurities and him going back-and-forth with her in the past so Ive lost a little bit of trust and Ive tried its hard for me to be a woman of understanding when he talks to her likeA friend and weve had is just so many problems that weve lost that because of all the trust issues and betrayal in the past and I for gave him but its just been really hard to forget and its really affected our family with my daughter and now he says he cant do it anymore and while we were hardly talk I dont know how to fix it and I dont know where to begin because weve been through this so many times I think its time to go our separate ways but I really want to try for my daughter and I just dont know how to let go Yes I forgot to mention that they have kids together no younger than 13 and 24 and our daughter is 3. Divorced parents often do it for their kids, and although you may find yourself in a different walk of life, the key to any kind of relationship succeeding is an open line of communication. I told my family from the start that it was bullshit because they witnessed the drama, lies, allegations etc that she caused during the divorce. WATCH: Are Stock Options Considered Assets to be Divided During Divorce? His sister and nieces have all taken his side as if I was the villain Anyone in they right mind who think that this is okay is the ideal picture of betrayal. They got no kids. I also got remarried over a year ago and wouldnt want to put my husband through that or expect him to want to hang with the ex either. I shouldnt have to give them reasons. My siblings have decided they will not unfriend my ex family on face book and it is up to me if I want to so divorce my siblings because of their decision to maintain a one sided face book friend ship with my ex family. Youre not gonna like the answer to that question. It must be very frustrating and painful for this lady . We thought it was a given that her sister and family would be there from day one to support and love her and the children through this. I feel sorry for my ex husbands new partner because she will sadly see the light in the long run. There was nothing wrong with that He was their family too. Dont be selfish. I dont want to be around her. This is disgusting behavior from your family. Wanting your childrens family to be determined by what you would like is unfair to them and denies them the connection they obviously enjoy having. As long as the children are not affected in the process, and as long as they dont lose any close familial bonds/relationships, it is something the two divorcing spouses have to work out together as you said, in a mature fashion. She still wants to do family stuff (they have two young kids under 10 years old) together and he obliges - he says "to keep things amicable." I believe that it is enough to be cordial to an ex at important occasions. One year after I have chose to be single and removed from family. My family knew how bad my ex treated me and yet still praise him, making me feel betrayed. "Both parties have to have some understanding and empathy for what the other has been going through and why things didnt work out. Unfortunately, both me and my spouse are hurt. The Divorce Play List: Should I Stay or Should I Go Now, Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome, 3 Things to Do if Your Parenting Plan is Not Being Followed, Why Some Women are Against Child Support & Support Enforcement. When his male friend from work calls, your boyfriend has no problem taking the call in front of you. Wed never choose my ex SIL over my brother in a Love competition, but it seems my family isnt seeing clearly how much this hurts my brother. Those are the consequences of allowing someone you knew had flaws into your family space. He might be afraid to commit. 6) He preens like there's no tomorrow. His family judged me, disliked me before they met me. She refused to meet with me with a court ordered psychologist, only going to 6 sessions by herself, and cancelling when it came time to meet together. This is a bad sign for your romantic relationship because the seeds for romance are being sown in these late-night calls with someone your ex has been in love with before. She doesnt know the really bad things he did to me, if she did she certainly would not be his friend, but of course I would not tell her as it would be horrible for him and could possibly affect his relationship if she new what that man is capable of. The ex needs to get his own life and stop casting a shadow on yours. 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